How Not To Fight
So the news is currently making its rounds about Amber Heard being physically abusive towards Johnny Depp in a leaked recording. Amber is a Human Rights Champion of the UN Human Rights Office and an Ambassador for American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU) for Violence Against Women, lending her voice and support to promote the principles of the Universal Declaration of Human Rights.
In a celebrity-obsessed world where we chase titles to make us feel good, being a UN ambassador and Hollywood star does not guarantee your marriage will thrive. If you haven't done the self-work or focused on personal growth, even being married to the most handsome, successful, romantic partner, such as two time People magazine's Sexiest Man Alive Johnny Depp, won't save your marriage.
I'm taking an excerpt of Amber's dialogue with Johnny from the Daily Mail that I want to specifically discuss. Their dialogue went as follows:
AH: I'm sorry that I didn't, uh, uh, hit you across the face in a proper slap, but I was hitting you, it was not punching you. Babe, you're not punched.
JD: Don't tell me what it feels like to be punched!
AH: You didn't get punched. You got hit. I'm sorry I hit you like this. But I did not punch you. I did not f**king deck you. I f**king was hitting you.
JD: You can't deck me.
AH: I don't know what the motion of my actual hand was, but you're fine, I did not hurt you, I did not punch you, I was hitting you. … That's the difference between me and you, you're a f**king baby.
JD: Because you start physical fights?
AH: You are such a baby! Grow the f**k up Johnny!
JD: Because you start physical fights?
AH: I did start a physical fight.
JD: Yeah, you did. So I had to get the f**k out of there.
AH: Yes, you did, so you did the right thing. You are admirable. Every single time, what, what's your excuse, when there's not a physical fight, what's your excuse then? You're still being admirable, right, by running away?
JD: I left last night. Honestly, I swear to you because I just couldn't take the idea of more physicality, more physical abuse on each other because I had, we continued it. It would have gotten f**king bad. And baby, I told you this once. I'm scared to death we are a f**king crime scene right now. … we've got to get our s**t together as individuals and as a couple. Because I love you and I do not want to leave you. I do not want to divorce, I do not want you out of my life. I just want peace.
JD: If things get physical, we have to separate. We have to be apart from one another. Whether it's for f**king an hour or 10 hours or f**king a day. We must, there can be no physical violence towards each other.
AH: I agree about the physical violence, but separating for a day, taking a night off from our marriage?
JD: All I'm saying is we need to take whatever time we need. You need, I need, to kind of let things settle for a minute. So that we don't f**king kill each other or f**king worse, you know, f**king really kill each other or f**king break up or whatever.
JD: If the fight escalates to the point of where it's just insulting for both of us, uh, or if it gets to that physical f**king s**t, the violence, that's when we just said, look, let's go to our corners, man, you hang wherever you want, baby. I'm going in the office and I'm just gonna f**king sit there and try and de-jellify my f**king brain.
It is difficult trying to reconcile Amber's solemn commitment to upholding the UN's human rights pledge, to the way she was upholding and respecting Johnny's rights not to be physically abused in marriage.
Let us deconstruct this fight down into a simple needs and request naming exercise.
What is the need that Amber wants to be met here?
She wants to connect with Johnny.
What is her trigger?
When Johnny steps away from an escalating argument, Amber's separation anxiety gets triggered, which then causes physical fights.
How did she make her request?
In making her request heard, Amber demonstrated the classic mistakes in fighting dirty with her partner. She's being reactive by:
1) Being passive aggressive.
You're still being admirable, right, by running away?
2) Being violent.
I'm sorry that I didn't, uh, uh, hit you across the face in a proper slap, but I was hitting you, it was not punching you.
3) Being insulting.
You are such a baby! Grow the f**k up Johnny!
Really not helpful, Amber. Then hitting your husband after that? Not helpful either if your your goal is reconciliation.
Suggested response:
1) Announce a timeout.
Looking at the transcript, Johnny is visibly upset but is still able to articulate his need not to be physically abused well. Amber, on the other hand, is responding in a reactive manner by debating the semantics of the physical abuse (“I hit you vs I punched you"), instead of acknowledging her husband's need to feel physically safe in the marriage.
Sometimes when we are emotionally overwhelmed, its best to take a break (timeout) from the fight, like what Johnny suggested. This is so we can recalibrate our thoughts and present a logical view of our request in love and kindness for our partner, not in anger or coming from a place of right vs wrong. A timeout can look like 30 minutes or 48 hours to some, or longer. There is no timeline to processing emotions. Take all the time you need, and be very kind and gentle to yourself during this sensitive time. Don't forget to give your partner a heads up too. It is not known whether Johnny had given Amber a heads up when he needs a timeout. It could sound like this:
Hey babe, I need a timeout to process my feelings. I still love you. Can we chat about this <insert time and date>?
It is important to note that holding space needs to be a reciprocal exercise. Before I had done my self-work, I experienced high anxiety when my partner requested for me to hold space. I did hold space, but I repressed my anxiety in the process and did not discharge my anxiety in a healthy way. This resulted in passive aggressive responses when I articulated my own needs, after my partner's need for space was met.
2) Process negative emotions in a healthy way
But wait! How can anxiously attached individuals learn to discharge anxiety in an emotionally healthy way?
Once both partners agree to give each other space, talk to a therapist to provide objective insights into your thought process. Seeking insight from family or friends who are not professionally trained in mental health care can end up with us acting on cognitive biases that do not serve us, but them.
In therapy and in your own time, learn to name needs based on your value system, and express a need without reactivity. This takes a lot of self-work to deep dive into what causes the reactivity in the first place. This is typically a subconscious pattern formed in childhood driving the reactivity. We often misdiagnose our reactivity by assigning blame or judging others. Or we blame ourselves and beat ourselves up, increasing the victimhood/martyrdom mentality, which is another painful reactive state to exist in.
Amber had a moment of clarity in that fight. She finally did agree towards the end of the dialogue that there should be no physical violence in the relationship, but the damage was already done. It is these moments of clarity that we want to further cultivate in our relationships with our loved ones. The more moments of clarity that we have, the less moments we spend in reactivity.
It is unfortunate that whilst their love was passionate during the peak moments of their relationship, the way they handled relationship conflict was explosive and combative. One's life work as a goodwill ambassador to the world needs to be fully integrated with the way one nurtures and leads in relationships at home. All human development begins from the home. From parent to child, between husband and wife, family to family. If the private and public areas of our lives are fragmented and incongruent, it indicates a duality or contradictions within us that needs to be looked at, should this cause a negative eruption onto our loved ones.
Let us continue to do the work. Stay blessed.